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Lynn Ashby
It is the thought that really counts
THE MALL — You no doubt have completed your shopping for Christmas — or “holidays” as the season now is called so as not to anger worshipers of every faith including disciples of the saxophone section of the Coast Guard Band. But if you are one of those procrastinators who gets extensions on your income tax filings and births of your children, then you’ve come to the right place. First, make a list of everyone who didn’t give you a present last year. Toss that list.
November 20, 2009
Founding fathers play name game
AUSTIN — This town initially was called Waterloo. The named was changed in 1839 when President Mirabeau Lamar thought the capital should be more centrally located and moved it here from Houston. We lucked out in naming it for the Father of Texas, Stephen F. Austin. We had the same fortune in naming a mosquito infested swamp for the first president of the Republic, Sam Houston.
November 13, 2009
Campaign for Texas governor heating up
Need a job? Millions of Texans do. Some are unemployed — Allen Stanford springs to mind — and some are underemployed, as I was telling my yardman, Dr. Wang Woo. Well, here’s good news! Get a job with the government which includes decent salary, lots of perks, a good health plan and pension.
November 06, 2009
Celebrating our jarheads
Nov. 10 is the birthday of the U.S. Marine Corps, celebrated by jarheads around the world.
October 30, 2009
Which lemon will you choose to lead Texas?
We can say goodbye to the Trans-Texas Corridor, leaving only with memories, dashed hopes and millions of dollars in needless expenses.
October 23, 2009
Where are all of America’s sane leaders?
We are seeing a strange phenomenon right now: sane people believing the ridiculous. Witness the airwaves, the letters to the editor, the speeches and the interruptions.
October 16, 2009
Sundry bits of miscellany
Friday Night Blights: Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres. Yes, we know we got behind with our newsletter due to the swine flu outbreak, which caused havoc with the Piggy Packing Palace next door. But everyone will agree that, after the shutdown, the east wind did smell a lot better.
October 02, 2009
Reaching deep into your pockets
This is my predicament and probably yours, too. Today in my mailbox was an envelope with my name hand-written on it. Upon opening the envelope I saw a small card asking me to donate to the Save the Scorpions.
September 25, 2009
Houston experiencing boom in population
During the current financial challenges — that’s econ-speak for “broke and jobless” — are you having trouble finding a parking place at the Texas Workforce Commission office? It’s not just your imagination — more people are coming to Texas, especially to Houston.
September 18, 2009
Putting down the health care rumors
THE TOWN HALL — This is one of a series of meetings I, your congressman, am holding to get your views, not that your silly and uninformed opinions out here in the boonies will make any difference inside the Beltway. First, I want to knock down some ridiculous rumors about the bill. No, we will not pull the plug on your grandmother.
September 11, 2009
The great Texas pastime
THE RADIO — It’s football season, but try as I might, I cannot find Kern Tips giving me the play-by-play of Southwest Conference games. Alas, those days are gone, but any Texan past puberty remembers great fun and a few anxious moments when hearing, “The Longhorns are on the 20. Five seconds left. The Aggies are dug in. Here’s the snap!”
September 04, 2009
How much debt is in your wallet?
THE KITCHEN TABLE — Why I am cutting up my credit cards? It has nothing to do with a self-enforced debt reduction. My financial disasters will be handled by my bonus/bailout.
August 28, 2009
Texas recruits red meat of U.S. Military
For the first time in its history, the U.S. Army is advertising for officers, using a TV campaign complete with parades and patriotic music. Why should we care? Because Texas is red meat for military recruiters, and if we won’t join voluntarily, we might not have a choice.
August 21, 2009
Lost treasures could be closer than we think
THE DEN — Here is my current ashtray: a blue plate. Actually, it is a white plate with lots of blue designs — drums, flags, in the center are two mid-19th century artillerymen next to a huge cannon, and an officer on horseback. All are dressed in fancy, Napoleonic uniforms. Vintage Texas tacky.
August 14, 2009
Enough with the conspiracy kooks already
THE DEN — Odd, the doorbell is ringing, and at this time of a rainy night. I open the door and there is a short man wearing a gray Fedora, a phony beard, a trench coat with the collar turned up and, on this dark night, wearing sunglasses. “May I help you?” I inquire.
August 07, 2009
Everyone in America wants reform
President Barack Obama recently began a news conference with: “I want to talk for a few minutes about the progress we’re making on health insurance reform … .” The insurance industry proudly proclaims: “America’s health insurance companies supporting bipartisan reforms.” AARP gets into the fight with: “8 health care reform myths.”
July 31, 2009
America no longer trusts the media
Walter Cronkite, the most trusted man in America, is dead, and we shall not see the likes of him again, which tells us more about the public than about the press.
July 24, 2009
Hypocrisy abundant in both political parties
For years, we Texans have been able to say proudly, “Thank God for Mississippi.” If it weren’t for the Magnolia State, the Lone Star State would rank 50th in almost any category.
July 17, 2009
Time to clean up magnet collection
THE KITCHEN — Here is a photo of two nice young people who are getting married. “Please save the date” it says beside the photo, then gives the date and town and adds, “Invitation to follow.”
July 10, 2009
Just as happy if we never met
Excuse me while I doze off. Do you attend a lot of meetings, either at work, in the neighborhood or to plan Klan rallies? Most meetings either are too long or totally unneeded.
July 03, 2009
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