Who could be ringing my doorbell at this hour? I was just sitting down to watch reruns of “My Mother The Car,” and now this interruption.
I open the door and a man is standing there wearing a trench coat with the collar turned up, a fedora pulled low and sunglasses at 11 p.m. He looks over both his shoulders.
“The feather is in the Mason jar.”
I look at him strangely. He speaks again.
“There are no mongooses in Pampa, or is it mongeese?”
My patience is worn out. “Go away. I think you have the wrong house.”
The mysterious visitor asks, “This isn’t 123 Pothole Place? No? Then I’ll have to kill you. But maybe you’ll do. I’m called Grassy Knoll. First, a few questions to see if you’re, uh, one of us. You know that 9/11 was staged by the Pentagon and that no one ever saw John Wilkes Booth and Vice President Andrew Johnson at the same time?”
I say, “You must be one of those conspiracy nut cakes, always spreading false theories. You probably believe Hillary Clinton didn’t actually win the most popular votes, but Deep State fixed the ballot counting.”
He frowns. “It’s supposed to be a secret. But, yes, Deep State is made up of former Obama appointees. Robert Mueller is one of them. So is that guy who shot up that pizza parlor because he claimed the restaurant held children in secret tunnels in the basement with satanic rituals and sex trafficking. The fact that the restaurant had no basement was just more fake news.”
I start to shut the door.
“I know there have always been crackpots like you, believing and spreading conspiracies. But now you nut jobs are out of control,” I tell him. “You claim the Sandy Point massacre was a fake because Alex Jones, that crazy guy on InfoWars, said so. Jones has gotten rich by constantly pitching conspiracy lies and end-of-the-world tales. The depressing part is that Jones felt he would be most comfortable in Texas, specifically Austin. Then there’s another snake oil salesman, Glenn Beck. He also preaches fear and conspiracies without an ounce of proof, and from where? Dallas. What is it about our beloved state that attracts loonies?”
“Texas is ground zero for the truth the Mainstream Media is trying to suppress. We have proof vaccinations cause autism. Did you know Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered, and where? In Texas, just like JFK. Coincidence? I think not. And remember it was Texas Gov. Greg Abbott who called out the State Guard to keep an eye on the U.S. Army when it was staging Operation Jade Helm 15. Why is it so easy to spread untruths, especially in Texas? Remember that those two Russian agents looked all over America seeking the best place to spread their divisive lies, and they chose Texas.”
I shut the door and turn on the TV.
“It is clear Nancy Pelosi is drunk or on drugs. Notice how she slurs her words.” I should never watch Fox News.
Did you know Seth Rich, a Democratic National Committee staffer, was killed by Democratic operatives because he had leaked DNC emails that were embarrassing to Hillary? Sean Hannity said so on Fox News until Fox retracted the story.
Conspiracies and unfounded rumors can make someone rich. Fox has the highest ratings of any TV cable news network. And the misinformation spreaders are rich. It is estimated Hannity’s total wealth is $220 million. Rush Limbaugh comes in at $500 million, Laura Ingraham at $70 million. Tucker Carlson is at $16 million.
My doorbell is ringing again. It’s him.
“Hi, I’m from Gallup and we’re taking a survey. Would you say Nancy Pelosi is a traitor, on drugs, a drunk or all of the above?”
I glower at him. “You are not from Gallup, you’re a paranoid nutcase. Are black helicopters still chasing you?”
“That’s so 2010. Now it’s drones, black drones. You really believe that the Malaysian Airlines plane disappearing only one ocean away from Amelia Earhart was just a coincidence? Princess Diana was murdered by the CIA. You know Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Got that straight from the First Orange. Actually, that alternative truth was his initial foray into political truths that the fake news dismisses as conspiracies. Why is it no one ever saw Lee Harvey Oswald and LBJ at the same time?”