THE STREET CORNER
There you are. Glad you decoded my email (“Purple ducks came on Wednesday.”) because I need your help. But first, did anyone follow you? Took the red-eye to La La Land, Greyhound to El Paso, crossed the border, parachuted back to the U.S. into the swimming pool behind the Waco YMCA and walked the last 184 miles? Good.
OK, here’s the inside skinny. Our mission comes from none other than the First Ego: find The whistle-blower. Everyone is guessing, some might be right. Only one or two — and the snitch himself — know the truth. We’ve got to find him and, in the euphemistic words of the CIA, terminate with extreme prejudice.
To bring you up to speed, I have already checked with my source in the Agriculture Department, Deep Wheat. He said he was too busy putting down mass farmers’ munities, because they can’t sell their crops to the Chinese, to engage in blowing whistles. Besides, mid-America loves President Trump and would never betray him.
I went to the Pentagon to check with my mole, Gen. Hans Grenade. We had to move to a place where no one would overhear our conversation: the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and His wife. The general said his colleagues at OP-CIT, MAX-TOT and WAL-MART were well into Operation Hair Scare.
My next stop was at the FBI headquarters. It was empty — everyone was fired or had quit. I tried the EPA but the staff was putting up “Coal is Our Goal” and “Smokey Loves Smoke” signs.
Over at the Treasury Department, the IRS can keep secrets. Those agents know how much you lied on your taxes, and some of them know all about Trump’s taxes, but try finding out anything from them.
You might wonder just why we have a whistle-blower law. It goes back to the Revolutionary War. In the winter of 1777, the American warship Warren was anchored outside of Providence, Rhode Island onboard, 10 sailors and Marines met in secret to discuss their concerns about the commander of the Continental Navy, Commodore Esek Hopkins.
Hopkins had participated in the torture of captured British sailors. They submitted a petition, Hopkins was fired, everyone sued everyone, and Congress enacted America’s first whistle-blower protection law. Over the years several such laws have been passed, and in recent times we have seen various leaks by the blowers.
The New York Times published the Pentagon Papers. Daniel Ellsberg leaked the papers to expose the mishandling of the war in Vietnam. Bradley E. Manning, an Army private, served time in prison for having passed classified data to Wiki Leaks. Edward Snowden leaked top-secret information about NSA surveillance activities. The U.S. charged Snowden with violations of the 1917 Espionage Act. Were they leakers, traitors or patriotic whistle-blowers?
Back to my pursuit. Fox News knows a lot about conspiracies, alternative facts and paranoia.
“We blame Obama and Hillary,” a spokesman wrote via tweeter. “Ask her about Benghazi. It’s all part of the Deep State conspiracy.”
Of course! Deep State, that mysterious ring of old Obama leftovers still in the government and trying to topple Trump. But Deep State is so deep, so devious, I couldn’t find anyone connected with that treasonous underground. I met with my ace source in the CIA, Clark N. Dagger.
“Follow the leader.”
I replied, “You mean the First Ego?”
Dagger nodded. “He knows, but he likes the chase, and will triumphantly announce her identity, posthumously.”
That was no help.
Then I heard a radio interview with East Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert who said he knows, by name, the identity of the whistle-blower. He says a lot of strange things. I decided not to bother with Gohmert.
I got a hot tip from the Houston Rockets that the fink was the Chinese government. Probably not. The NFL announced that the whistle-blower was right there in plain sight: “The whistle-blowers are our officials. They blow their whistles constantly.”
My search was becoming frustrating. I tried The New York Times. “Our source works for the CIA and was assigned to the White House, was wearing a beard, dark glasses and was constantly taking notes, drives a white Chevy with an unlisted license plate and a bumper sticker, ‘I brake for phone calls from Ukraine.’ But we never divulge our sources.”
OK, you have your marching orders. I’m not here and neither are you. This meeting never happened. Now cover your tracks. Start walking back to Waco.